Surely you've sat through an excruciating performance with no hope of escape. Our modern day distraction, the smartphone, isn't socially acceptable in the concert hall (although, that rarely stops audience members) so we're forced to either:
a. Suffer in silence
b. Have a game plan
Here are my top five lifesaving distractions:
1. The Toe Rudiment Challenge
Practice all 40 PAS Rudiments... with your toes. Go in order and see how quickly you can burn them. Caution: Loosen shoes before beginning as swelling may occur. Also works with gluteus muscles. Proceed with caution.
2. Death by Polyrhythms
Perhaps you've seen a woodwind player in an unconscious moment air-fingering through a difficult passage during conversation. Their fingers wiggle quietly and no one seems to notice. The same can be done with polyrhythms. If you're lucky enough for the performer(s) on stage to be keeping time, you can lock into some good practice of 3 against 4 against 5 (your toes are already warmed up so get them involved).
3. Meditation
Nothing but upside. Breath control, stress management, focus, and energy conservation are all part of musician's daily lives. It takes practice to go to your happy place. Do you really carve out an hour or two of your day to practice meditation? As an audience member in a cruel and unusually punishing recital, launch your meditation practice. For a "how to," I'm a fan of Thich Nhat Hanh but there are hundreds of other Zen masters with a book to sell you.
4. Create Poetry
Limericks are the best. Use your fellow audience members for inspiration. "There once was a man with bad odor..." What rhymes with odor?
If you want to be a little classier, try Haiku. If you need help, this link should do it. Immediately notate your gifts to humanity on the back side of the program once the concert has concluded. Celebrate with a tasty beverage.
5. It Could Be Worse
I just finished reading Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption and clearly, a bad concert isn't torture. However, some survival tactics may apply:
a. Try and determine why the performer(s) have chosen to torture you. There are countless reasons that may or may not include sadism. Chances are, they aren't prepared for the performance. Try and diagnose their performance maladies and develop a treatment plan.
b. Plan your escape. An exit through the same doors you entered lacks creativity. Could you cause a distraction? Low crawl? Chisel through the floor beneath your seat? The more bizarre, the better. At least 5 minutes of the performance can be expended planning the great breakout.
c. Maintain physical activity... in your chair (see number one and two). The same applies to flights during that awful period where you are forced to stow away all portable electronic devices. Here are some seated exercises. Bring a towel.
d. Stay positive. There's still much to live for after the concert. There may be punch and cookies.
What are your tried and true survival techniques?
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